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Sent from: jim@SmallWorks.COM ()
Forwarded-by: Dave Del Torto <ddt@lsd.com>
[ OK, so maybe you have to read Cypherpunks to understand just how funny ]
[ this is, but here it is anyway... -dave ]
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> Date: Mon, 18 Mar 1996 18:54:50 -0800 (PST)
> Sent-From: enquirer@alpha.c2.org
THE CYPHERPUNK ENQUIRER
"Encyphering minds want to know."
The recent opening of One Time Pad season was a resounding success, with
previously unknown competitors Internet.Security.Guaranteed throwing out
the first troll. Unfortunately, the annual cypherpunk contest may have
to be renamed as it has been discovered that the phrase "One Time Pad"
has been trademarked by the Kotex division of Johnson & Johnson. A second
entrant, Stonewall-Drawbridge, was disqualified when it was found that
the so-called "Infinite Venegere Key (IVK)" is the same one used by the
New York Times for its popular Sunday Cypher series.
Dr. Fred Cohen, noted virus expert and President of Info-Sec, recently
announced the discovery of a new Internet security threat, the telnet
bomb. First discovered when Dr. Cohen found, to his surprise, that people
were actually trying to access the information that Info-Sec was posting
on the Internet, this insidious attack seems to only go after sites that
are getting down on their knees and begging for it by announcing to the
world that people are actually trying to access our site and if you don't
stop, we're going to tell the CERT and the FBI on you. Info-Sec quickly
announced its solution, a $20,000 "Air Wall" (tm) turnkey computer with
it's serial ports and ISA and PCI bus slots filled with crazy glue.
Tim May's IQ dropped ten points today after the noted cypherpunk and
retired Intel engineer was stopped at the Mexican border by Customs
agents, who seized and confiscated over two hundred grams of an
"unspecified pharmaceutical substance". Mr. May was released on his own
recognizance when presented with an Alta Vista list of over two hundred
aliases he has used to post to various Internet newsgroups and mailing
lists and admitting, "Yup, that's me!".
Eric Blossom has announced that CPLite is NOT out of business, but the
S/N ratio has been so low for the past month that no posts made it through
the CPLite filtering system. Not a single subscriber has requested a
refund, claiming, en masse, "Hey, that's what we pay him for!".
Asgaard's popular web site, a revisionist view of Viking history, has
relocated to c2.org after being shut down by his original ISP due to
complaints from the French government, which has declared as illegal
Asgaard's claim that the Viking raiders were not actually early
terrorists, but merely law-abiding tourists who didn't take any shit from
rude French waiters.
Surfwatch today reinstated access to AOL after the Wall Street Journal
explained that their claim that AOL was "getting into bed with Bill Gates"
was standard business school terminology and did not refer to consensual
sexual activities. Neither party has responded to requests to clarify
who was pitching and who was catching.
Jim Bell died this week when a homemade "nuclear detonator" exploded in his
hands. The detonator was immediately awarded the over ten thousand dollars
bet on Mr. Bell in the Blacknet "Dead Pool" when the committee decided that
the detonator had correctly predicted Mr. Bell's time and place of death,
and that the prediction of "death by radiation poisoning" was "close
enough for cypherpunk work."
Nathaniel Borenstein was arrested on sexual harassment charges today after
several female employees of First Virtual reported that he had been
wandering around the offices for the past two months sniffing their
keyboards.
Next time in the Enquirer - the photos that DIDN'T get posted at
www.c2.org/party/masquerade! How far did Lucky Green get his hands up
Peter Pan's costume? What was Sandy Sandfort REALLY doing with that gun,
or was he just happy to see her? What WAS that strange religious icon
under "Father" Eric Blossom's robe? Did Dan Farmer REALLY design the rec
room? Encyphering minds want to know!